Stephen King

Never read horror fiction? That’s no reason you can’t write about it. Surely you have a fresh new perspective on a genre that 99% of the population has already decided is lowbrow trash read only by maladjusted teenage boys. Except for Stephen King. You probably know perfectly normal individuals who read Stephen King.

Especially if it’s around Halloween, you should have no shortage of opportunities to pitch your idea to someone in the mainstream media who is only familiar with horror from reading articles by experts like you. Although that person has probably read Stephen King, too, and maybe once saw an episode of The Walking Dead with their teenager.

The first thing your article/blog post/whatever needs is a photo that will grab the viewer (not literally, of course) and add some kind of legitimacy to your article. A photo of Stephen King, or of popular titles next to images of their cover art, is probably the ticket. Or, you could use movie or television stills from popular media. The faces of movie stars and monsters will always draw the eye.

Make sure your article title mentions vampires, zombies, and/or the apocalypse. That’s really all there is to the horror genre anyway. Don’t worry about doing actual research– just read a couple of past articles from the mainstream media. You can make up future trends yourself (who will know?) or talk about how literary authors are finally starting to write about the supernatural and make horror a legitimate genre with actual good books. If you want to take a historical angle, make sure to mention Frankenstein and Dracula. If you want to include details like the authors’ names, there’s always Wikipedia, which is a completely accurate and unbiased source of information.

Another great topic to write on is the harmful effects of horror fiction. You don’t actually need to consult studies to do some good old-fashioned fearmongering about how horror fiction is causing the degeneration of society, promoting abusive behaviors towards women and girls, or damaging our fragile youth. You’re writing out of genuine concern for the youth of today; they need to be sheltered from the gratuitous, misogynistic violence of the horror genre, which is much more of a concern than the gratuitous, misogynistic violence found anywhere else throughout popular culture. Certainly, actual readers and writers of horror fiction don’t have anything to say about the problematic nature of their preferred genre, a literary form intended to zero in on the worst fears in a tremendously flawed world.  It’s much easier to ask protective parents and cultural critics like your next door neighbor leading questions to get the quotes you need and generate public outrage.

Once you’re done with your piece, you should immediately post a link to it on Twitter so everyone who follows you can instantly access it and express their appreciation for your fresh take on the state of horror fiction today. Congratulations, you’ve published your piece and made the world a better place with your insightful views on a genre of fiction you’ve never read. Except for that one book by Stephen King.

—With thanks for the inspiration to Jessica Tripler at BookRiot